i remember the day life as I knew it shattered so vividly
it was sudden and all at once
i remember feeling like I had to go far + fast
so I did
then I remember feeling like I had to stop + scream
so I did that too
i felt like I was dying.
and the noise that escaped from within me sounded as if I were too.
i needed someone.
but not just anybody- my sister.
she heard the sound I was spewing uncontrollably and immediately begin to cry too.
because she knew the sound of death.
we’d been through it many times before.
i also remember the day that I knew I’d live, that I’d be okay.
it was 1.1.2019 and I was a decided woman.
i smiled + laughed.
i had hope that the end was only a beginning in disguise.
and every day since I’ve chosen to get up + thank God + be love.
i’ve chosen to extend grace + mercy even when I feel it’s undeserved.
forgiven myself + others.
dug deep to heal my wounds.
& i still force myself almost daily to face the reality of how I currently feel.
most days it’s positive + optimistic.
sometimes it’s ugly + painful.
but I acknowledge it and keep it moving.
and I think that that has made me stronger.